anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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