...so i touched it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
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And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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