I am puke
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
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in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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