You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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