I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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