dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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