I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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