I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize