I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
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So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
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Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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