I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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