Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
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Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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