So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
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I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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