I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize