can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
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I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
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Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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