Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize