I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
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I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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