Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
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I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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