walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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