if you like me you must not know who I am
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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