i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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