do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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