Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
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She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
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I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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