Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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