I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Sponge bath it is.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
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so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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