I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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