Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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