if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
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I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
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I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize