well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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