My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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