The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
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In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
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He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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