I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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