My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
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I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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