Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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