someone threw a dead crab at me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pee around me
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize