My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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