call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i walk over a car last night?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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