my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
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and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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