Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
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Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
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Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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