Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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