Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize