I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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