My room smells like vodka and shame
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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