His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
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Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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