i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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