just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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