so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
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Thank you for not boning my boss.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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