Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
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You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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