my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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