did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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