I think I won the penis lottery.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
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phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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